One night, back in time. Back when everything felt flawless...
I could see her smile from across the parking lot. Mine looked weary, I'm sure, but I made my way closer and closer to the woman I used to love. She acted as if we had never parted. Welcoming me into her arms like I had never been without them. Her skin still soft and smelled just as I so flawlessly remembered. Her arms lingered around my body as we entered the house, like I still belonged to her and she wanted the world to know. Her fingers traced the skin down my arm, then intertwined themselves with mine. I held them there, perhaps I was scared that she could let go before I could engrave that memory into my heart. As we sat next  to each other, she leaned in close to me as I felt her relax into my side, her hand on my thigh. She was all her, just as lovely and lively as before, but you could tell there was a change about her. She laughed with everyone else, as I sat there silently taking her in. She never held on so close before. It was a mix of affection and fear keeping her hands on me. I could feel it.
Head on my shoulder, she asked to go smoke with me. With her I already know that is code for "Lets go talk." She sat on the stoop, scooting into me for warmth. I wrapped my coat around her and put my head on hers, tucked her hand into mine and breathed out the biggest sigh of relief. She turned her eyes to mine and said something that would break my heart, more so than when she had left me.
"She hit me. She would choke me and shove me and throw shit at me. One time I didn't make her food right and she started throwing things at me. I couldn't go do anything or she would get mad."
"Why? I mean, how could you stay with someone like that for so long? I wouldn't- You know I would never have done that to you!"
She lowered her gaze to the sidewalk. "I know."
We sat in a few seconds of silence before I knew what to say.
"When we were together, I told you that I didn't want you around her. I didn't say that because I thought you would leave me for her. I said it because I knew she was a bad person and could get you into bad things. If I had known it would have gone like this, I would have fought harder to keep you with me, but I thought if you were happy, then I'm not going to take that away from you. I always cared, I always wanted you to be happy."
"I know you did."
Our hands gripped each other tighter and our bodies moved in closer. Again she turned to face me. I could see a softness set into her eyes as they met mine. Then she said what my heart had been begging to hear the whole time.
"Do you miss us?"
"Always have."
"Me too."
More silence.
"Its always been you, ya know."
She chuckled. "Yeah, I know."
She finished her cigarette and wrapped my coat around her shoulder, bringing her in closer to me. I could feel her take a deep breath as she prepared to take mine away.
"Do you want to start over?"
I smiled as my heart did skips and leaps inside of my chest. Butterflies flapped their wings inside my stomach and I forgot to take a breath until I felt her turn to look at me.
"That is all I have ever wanted."
She leaned down and kissed where our fingers weaved one other. Is this real? There's only one way to check. I tilted her chin upwards towards mine. Our eyes met and for a second I forgot where I was as our noses crept past each other and our lips met. Her lips tasted like every perfect memory I ever wanted to make, just like they always had. Yep. It was her and this was real.
As we fell asleep that night, she held both my hands as if it was our last few hours together on earth. I knew I was going to have to fix a lot of damage that I didn't cause. I was going to have to love her more tenderly than I have ever attempted to love before. She was fragile, but I knew that with time and patience that I could show her what love should be like.
So here I am, this woman on my mind and a smile upon my face. I pray I can prove to her that there is more out there than pain. Will I succeed? I can't tell you that yet, but we have to leave the rest of it for love to decide. Whichever paths fate may take us, my wish for her will always be the same. That she truly be happy with someone who loves and cherishes her in every way she should. However, I don't think it's selfish for me to wish that the person be me. Haha

See, what I have to offer is unmistakable, undeniable. Its original and down to earth. Its real, its honest, its blunt and its persistent. It has been said to be short lived but Baby, I want you to be my last "first". If anyone in this world can make it its us. We may be a little unprepared but thats what taking chances are all about. Were gonna make mistakes, but were gonna learn from them and move forward instead of walking away. Thats whats going to make us real. Thats whats going to be our glue, keep us bound together. We deserve this chance, this opportunity to show the world that there is such a thing as love and it can be true.

When I look at you, I dont only see the memories that we made yesterday, or the weeks or months before that. I also see the millions of memories we are going to make and for once, Im not afraid to grow old because I know that I will be growing old with you. We will watch our families grow and generation after generation sprout new and anew again. Many houses, backyards and bar-b-ques. Slammed doors and scraped knees. Hot summers and stormy nights with you in my arms. Cold Christmas mornings and loud New Years with heart-skipping midnight kisses. We will build a castle out of our memories by hand and 50 years from now were going to look back and smile on all the many years spent together and the memories we have enjoyed with one another. We will be able to say we lived a life worth living all because we had someone who loved us with no boundaries and stayed through all the ups and downs and really truly cares. Someone to love us right, hold us through the night and give us kisses to the rising son. We have found each other and if you let me...Id like to stay right here with you and start building my forever. I love you Babygirl...more than all the stars in the sky****<3

It's funny. Seems like yu have a certain individual who contains a quaint interest in being jealous. That's okay though, I know my individuality and my certainty when it comes to things that are mine. Trust that no one can take over my position in the lives I have entered and try to over throw me....words spill out of my mouth like an overflowing fountain of truth and justice. Let me suffice yu with the knowledge of everlasting unity and the strength to strive and succeed in love & in life. 

Forever,
With all the Love & care in my heart and soul & the strength to carry you through.
Thea
AKA Teddy

My dream is not to be famous, but rather to be known for my inspirational music and writings and my interpretation of the art that I feel within my soul.

What Is A Place? 

The New Hope Baptist Church is a place that I often think about. I went to church there a few times as a child but the most memorable experience I had there is the bittersweet recollection of laying my Great-Grandfather to rest in the church cemetery. The church itself is isolated out in the hills on a very old winding road that runs next to the Missouri River. It was February 20^th, 2010 and the air was a bit chilly but the sun still shone brightly on the small cemetery that solemn day. As I stood under the tree that my Grandfather would be laid next to, I looked out into the fields below and saw vast waves of green shimmering back and forth with the breeze. With every breath I could almost taste the crisp coolness in my mouth. At the time I had wondered how I was going to make it through the day.

            Normally a day like this wouldn’t seem so beautiful considering the circumstances, but God must have been incredibly happy to have such a strong soul back in Heaven with Him because he blessed my Grandfather’s home going with a gorgeous day. The birds sang loudly as everyone else stood in what seemed to be hours of silence except for the occasional stifled cough or sniffle. I could smell my Great-Grandmother’s perfume as she stood in front of us as still as a statue. Though she was trying her hardest to stay strong you could see the distraught look she carried in her eyes. I remember thinking to myself that the pain in her eyes must be what the fear of being alone forever looks like.

My stomach felt incredibly deep as my cousins carried the casket down to the solemn, chilling grave. Flashes of memories, like images frozen in time, played through my mind at a thousand miles a minute. I wanted to smile and frown, laugh and sob, all at the same time. Although my emotions were as twisted up as a ball of yarn, one thing was clear in my mind, and that was the fact that I would never get to hear my Grandpa’s jokes again, or see his warm smile. Most of all I would miss hearing his voice on Christmas Eve reading the story of the birth of Jesus out of The Bible. Although those thoughts absolutely crushed my spirit, the idea of my Grandpa being laid to rest next to our past family, slightly eased my mind.

My attention had been on the Marines that were ceremoniously folding the American flag that had been resting on top of my Grandfather’s casket. I hadn’t known that each of the twelve folds had a symbolic meaning. When the flag is folded, the starts point upward to remind us of the national motto, In God We Trust(“Military Funeral”). Their decorated uniforms reminded me of how proud my Grandpa was when he was showing his off with a smile. As a young man my grandpa had served in the U.S. Marines overseas in the Vietnam War. He was part of the 540,000 troops located there by December of 1968 (Rosenburg). The image of him in his uniform faded as they handed the folded flag to my Grandmother. My heart dropped and pounded hard in my stomach as I felt short of breath. The flag seemed to be the only thing that Grandma would have left to hold on to and the thought of her feeling sad really broke my heart.

When I heard the first of the gunshots saluting my grandfather, my stomach dropped, much like going over a hill too fast. The sound of each shot pierced through the air, like a needle through silk, and I knew instantly that I would never forget those sharp, ringing seconds. Almost instantly, my pained ears were soothed by the soft melody of “Taps” floating through the crisp air. “Taps” was first played in the civil war with the Army of the Potomac, when Union Army Brig. Gen. Daniel Butterfield composed it with his bugler Pvt. Oliver Wilcox Norton because he didn’t like the call that signaled soldiers to go to bed. Later it would be used to call “to the sleep of death for soldiers”(Powers). The bugle sounded so distant, yet so perfect that it almost seemed as if the song was being played from the heavens, sounding right through the clouds angelically. Remembering how I sang “Taps” at the end of each day at Girl Scout camp only reminded me that this was the end and there was nothing that anyone could do to change it. A painful lump rose up into my throat and got stuck, making it hard to swallow.

 My eyes started to blur as I fought to hold back the tears that should have already been cried. A shiver went up and back down my spine as the finale note of “Taps” rang out and echoed across the field. As I blinked, tears fell from both my eyes, at first warming my face, but then leaving a cold trail behind where they had been. I had lowered my head so that no one saw me cry. All I had wanted was to keep the tears from coming in front of everyone else. I felt a hand on my shoulder and took a deep breath of the cool air. My eyes had been shut for so long that when I opened them it took a few seconds for them to adjust to the light again. I looked up to see my aunt beside me. Together we looked down at the rough ground where my Grandfather’s tombstone would soon rest. We didn’t talk. We didn’t even look at each other. I think she was just as scared of crying as I was.

She stood there with me until I started to shiver and by the time I turned around to walk up the hill, most of the family had already made their way to the top. I walked slowly, feeling every rock under my stiff feet along the path back to the old faded church. Strange, how I could feel life all around me after just laying one to rest. It just didn’t seem right or fair at the time. Only later would I realize how beautifully ironic it really was.

At the top of the hill I stopped and turned around and took a deep breath. I wanted to soak it all in. I looked over that whole hillside slowly. I could see the tree line where the woods ended and the field began. The one tree in the cemetery stood toweringly tall and seemed to be proud to shade the resting souls underneath its long branches. The birds sang and danced in the clear blue sky to their own melodies as a gentle breeze rocked plant life back and forth simultaneously. I took one last deep breath, more of a sigh, and smelled the cool fresh country air once again. As I turned around the corners of my mouth drew up into the slightest grin and let tears roll out of the corners of my eyes.

That day marked the end of a long painful journey. It had been hard on the whole family for years, always worrying about Grandpa’s health problems and seeing him suffer through such pain.  I had never felt quite so empty yet so happy and relieved at the same time. It was like two completely opposite emotions intertwining in my heart and my body didn’t quite know which one to express.

 As we pulled away, I had my head against the window looking out towards the cemetery. The image of that little paint-chipped church on the hill, with its’ one tree reaching towards the sky, would forever be seared into my memory like hot brand. Though this place carries both good and painful memories, many hellos and few goodbyes, it will forever remain as one of my most peaceful and favorite places I have ever experienced thus far.

 

Works Cited

Rosenberg, Jennifer. "Vietnam War Timeline." About.com. New York Times, n.d. Web. 7 May 2012. <http://history1900s.about.com>.

"Military Funeral." Wikipedia.org. Wikimedia Foundation, Inc., 6 May 2012. Web. 7 May 2012. <http://en.wikipedia.org>.

Powers, Rod. "Military Funeral Honors." About.cm. New York Times, n.d. Web. 7 May 2012. http://usmilitary.about.com.

 

Being true to oneself is a hard enough task, especially when it is being thrown on top of being true to everyone else. When is it too much? Sometimes I find it hard to be true at all because I get burned. When you let someone see your true self, its like exposing yourself naked, sometimes you get scorched by the sun, sometimes people will laugh at you, and then there are always the ones that can accept you and love you for who you truly are. I have been blessed with such amazing friends in my life, that even when I cannot find the truth in myself, they can easily pull it right out of me and get me back on track. It seems my life lately has been a whirlpool of emotions. I have fallen in and out of love, gained and lost friends, both given and received and much much more. Some old thoughts and emotions have stuck with me in the midst of the new ones. They linger in my heart and in my thoughts, taunting me with images and broken promises of the past. Deciphering between them all is emotionally exhausting and is taking a toll on my soul. I feel tugged one way and pulled another knowing that I should leave the past where it lies. But who can resist the urge to poke something that's been long dead with a stick? I have caught myself relishing in the past, poking at long lost loves and cold corpse relationships just to see if they really are as stiff as I remember leaving them.
How long can I hide this curiosity? I never knew I could be this weak. I never knew I could be this strong...it seems as if with each ounce of strength comes two ounces of weakness just to test me...
I know I am strong. I am by no means Superman, but I look back on the person I used to be and compare it to who I am now and I see two completely different people. Instead of hiding in the shadows of others, I am now able to stand front and center and take on life for myself. It is a challenge, but what would life be if there were no hills to climb, no sense of fulfillment to receive?
I'm about to start my second semester in college in a few weeks. Even through all the stresses of getting re-enrolled and piles of paperwork, I find myself anxiously awaiting the climb up this particular hill. Finally after a summer of boredom, I will have a challenge once again awaiting me. It is a breath of fresh air to me. A clean slate that I can draw anything on. I cannot wait to see what beauty awaits me on the other side of this mountain.

As the summer passes by, I realize more and more about myself as I truely start to develop into the person I am going to be the rest of my life. The world is full of disapointments with even fewer moments of happy surprise. I have quickly learned that I make my own luck. Only I have the power to let myself down but what is satisfaction anyway? The void in my life, I have found, can only be filled with a sense of freedom and optimism. Is extremely hard to narrow myself down to a specific path as I am terrified of being held down. Maybe thats why I am a runner. I don't run when things get hard because I am a fighter, but I flee when things become too easy and comfortable. Is this common? Or am I the only one who would feel more fulfilled if I dont stop turning my wheels? So here I sit...thinking about my options...it's a good thing I still wonder about this place and these people. Where would I run to next if I had it all figured out here? Maybe I'll always live searcing for new things...new inspirations and aspirations...I'll never have all the answers...but I will never feel comfortable with what I already know. I have to keep going...  Here I am...for now.

I just wanna take this time to thank my mother for bringing me into this world. It takes a real woman and a strong woman to carry a child concieved in rape and raise them and love them no differently than the children concieved in love. I have so much respect for her. She could have chose to end my life before it even began to start, but instead she chose to become a mother at age 14. Through all the ups and downs, she is no doubt the strongest woman I know. I know that she is where I get the strength to push through all the obsticles life throws at me. Thank you Momma. Thanks for being my Mom and Dad all in one amazing package. I love you.

If you would like to throw away something good for something that isnt worth a damn, then be my guest. I started college to better my life because I wanted to show you that I can make something myself. But now I realize that I didnt need you to push me forward. I have all the strength I need to become an amazing person. I hope that your future is bright with your new girl and her high school drop out ass. She absolutely has nothing to offer you. But by the time you realize that you will never go forward in life with her...I'll be long gone. I have so much to offer, and I'm taking it somewhere else. One day a woman will come along and appreciate me for who I am, the love I have to offer, instead of the money and things I own. She will see all the good in me and when you see us pass by in the street, I hope you realize what you gave up and honestly I HOPE IT HURTS. I hope it hurts just as bad is it did when you threw our year long relationship down the drain for someone who is going nowhere in life and shattered my heart. Thanks for being the only woman I open up to and ruining it all. Its going to take time for me to heal...but I will and I will be stronger when its all said and done....A REAL woman will recognize. AND I'M SORRY THAT AINT YOU!

Its crazy how one thing can happen as the rusult of an emotional tornado. This one thing can make you or break you. They found me close to death...covered in the liquid grief that I was trying to relieve myself of. Sometimes it feels like the world has too much stress to possibly deal with. But I know that if God didnt allow me to give up then obviously I have a bigger purpose. Now it is my job to figure out what that purpose is. I guess I should explain my views on "God". I dont see Him as a being because anything Godly couldnt possibly have the flaws of a being. I veiw "God" more of Yahweh, the ultimate "I AM". Its the universal spirit that everyone has in them whether they want to deny it or not. I think this whole "Religion" battle is dead. Its useless. What are we fighting for? In all our different paths, we all ultimately believe that we will go to a Heaven. Some of us have religious "rules" to follow to get there...which I think is absolutely absurd. I believe that as long as we truely believe in the higher power that created all things and believe that he sent a son to die for our sins and give us the opportunity to clense ourselves for the mortalities of sin that we will get to experience the beautiful afterlife that this higher being created for us. He made all of us equal. With the choice to do good or bad. He could come in and make us do exactly what He wants of us, but then how would he prove to Lucifer, His most beautiful of all angels, that His own children will choose Him over doing evil and living in chaos. Yahweh wouldnt even have created Lucifer if he didnt want the challenge to prove to all organisms, big and small, that He is the ultimate being, the giver and taker of life. Giving us the choice to choose our own fate just proves how fair He is, and giving us chance after chance shows His mercy and His love for all of his children. After all isnt that what a Father does? Forgives his children and loves them with all of his heart no matter what. Yahweh even loves his son Lucifer. He loves all of the angels that he so beautifully created and had to painfully cast out of the Heavens. And for those who dont believe in Yahweh, dont believe in I AM, then just know that even the demons shake in fear with the knowledge of GOD! They believe in Him or they wouldnt have a purpose of being a demon would they? Just as you believe in the wind, you should believe in I AM. How could such a beautiful harmoneous place just have been "banged" together? It took devine power and beauty and thought and creativeness to peice this breath taking life together. to map out the paths of each child, yet give them the opportunity to stray. Gosh what and amazing thing it is to know that I AM allows us to break away from His righteousness just so that when we come back to Him we appriciate His unending love and mercy that much more. My point is, With religion being dead, why cant we just come together and realize as one that we are all ofter the same thing. We all have to do right to get there. So why not come together and just be good and kind to one another as brothers and sisters on this earth. Send out good energy, vibes and karma. Get a beautiful universal energy and flow rollng through these oceans and mountains all across the globe, just like it used to be before the existance of human opinion and human destruction. Can you imagine the world without humans? Perfectly unscathed and harmoneous. How peaceful would that be? Unfortunately we will not be able to reverse the pain and destruction we have forced upon this glorious earth with our human error. Thats why Yahweh, I AM, has given us the opportunity at second life in a perfect place. But only for those of us who realize that there is more and that I AM has given us more. I feel pained to think of all the lost souls that dont know this faith that I know and trust. But you know what? Yahweh will give them chance after chance after chance...I believe He re-births us unto the earth to try and try again. He is our Father and will not let us fail and he will not give up on us. We just have to put up FAITH for Him. I will NOT be silent about my beliefs. I will shout them from the rooftop. And let everyone challenge my faith, I will do nothing but come back at them with MORE faith. And if I ever run out of words, I KNOW that my I AM, will give me the knowledge to keep going. I could go on and on for hours about this topic, but I will leave it at this for now. Food for thought...FOOD FOR FAITH. After all, isnt it better to believe in something your whole life that makes you a better person, and find out that theres nothing after this life, than believe there is nothing after this life, do nothing to better yourself or your world, and find out that there IS somthing more glorious after this life? Wouldnt that just be a shame.

Nadia,
We are going to miss you so much. The joy you brought to each and every person you knew is irreplacable. You were truely the most understanding and kind soul that I knew. Although I didnt know you but a little over a year, the times we spent together were always a blast :) I know God must have needed a strong angel in His army because he welcomed the strongest most genuine of us home. It's crazy that he always takes the best...leaving the rest of us here to wonder what our world will come too without you here. Your name will live on everyday in our hearts and your memory will never be forgotton. Im going to spread your kindness by always being there for our fiends just like you were to us. You have touched so many people with your beautiful personality and lets not forget those gorgeous eyes and amazing smile that everyone loved. Especially me. Haha. It's going to be a change not seeing you when we all get together like we do, and even more strange to not have you on the dance floor with us. Were doing the best we can to give back to your family. I know you can see us down here causing all sorts of ruckus to raise money to help. Its amazing to see everyone put their differences aside and come together for one common cause. And honey that's you. You have truely brought us together and helped us realize that life is too short to make a fuss about the little things and that we always need to be there for eachother, because one day we might regret not making things right when one of us gets called home. It's just too bad that it took this to make us realize. The truth will come out about why and how...and I hope and pray that who ever did this comes forward and asks for forgiveness so that one day they can feel the love from our Father that you are feeling now. Were trying to keep strong down here. Its going to be a long hard journey for everyone to be at peace with the fact that your gone forever. But knowing that you are in a much better place watching over us eases my mind as I'm sure it does others. Rest In Peace beautiful Nadia Veres. Always in our hearts. <3

Middle School Football

When I was in middle school I decided to be different and be the only girl to play on the tackle football team. When I went to Santa Fe Middle School a lot of the boys on the team gave me a hard time for it. But I ignored them and played the best I could and was one of the few on the field most of the game.  When I moved to California Missouri I decided to try out for their tem too. Surprisingly no one made a huge deal f it and the coaches were all for having me play.  I think part of the reason was because my Uncle Austin was on the High School football team and took them to state tree years in a row. Plus in middle school the girls are usually bigger than most of the boys. I ended up being on the field the whole time for all the games because I beat two boys out of their starting spots. One was the guard on offense and the other was a lineman on defense. I even was on special teams for kicks, punts and returns because I was fast down the field. I ended up having my own cheering section that made hot pick shirts with my last name and jersey number on them. At the end of the season the coaches recognized me by having the Columbus Comets, an all-female football team, come down and present me with an autographed t-shirt and a motivational poster they had put together for me. It felt really good to have a whole community back me up on something that most people would be against. However, when I was asked the question if I would play in high school, my answer was no. partly because softball season ran at the same time. The other reason was because the guys were so big.

What If...

What if…

1.       I was seven feet tall?

2.       I hadn’t met Ashley?**

3.       I was an only child?

4.       I had stayed in softball?

5.       Concentrated harder in high school?**

6.       Was a better influence on my siblings?

7.       I was an astronaut?

8.       I was an internationally known Dub-step deejay?**

9.       I could fly?

10.   I was a Roman gladiator?

11.   I grew up in the jungle?

12.   Was a professional MMA fighter?

13.   I wasn’t a lesbian?

14.   My mom was my sister?

15.   My real father and I talked?

16.   I had grown up in a big city?

17.   Was a child of a president?

18.   Was the wealthiest person alive?

19.   Was in the biggest rock band ever?

20.   I owned my own record label?

21.   I discovered another planet identical to earth?

22.   I developed an alternative to gasoline?

23.   I lived with the dinosaurs?

24.   I had super strength?

25.   I was raised in Miami with my family?

If I had stayed in softball instead of worrying about parties and my friends, I would have been able to pick from the scholarships I got to play ball at a university. I would already be two years into my college degree and a lot farther down my path to success. I would also be in a lot better shape because I would have been working out with the ball team. I know that if I had just stuck it out a few more weeks instead of goofing off, I wouldn’t have lost my scholarships and I would be a proud member of a university ball team. I know that I would have got All-State title and my college would be paid for. Now, since I made bad decisions in high school, I have to live with the consequences and work hard to make my way through college so I can pay all of my loans back. I wish that I had just kept my eyes on my dream. I had always wanted to play college ball and I worked very hard at it. I traveled gar to go to seminars and learn new techniques and I even lived with my ball coach when I was homeless to ensure that I would have a ride to school and practice every day. Then one day during my senior year ball season, I lost sight of what I had been working so hard for. I hope that when I transfer to MSU that I can try out for their ball team and be a positive asset to their team and get to live one of the dreams that I have had since I was just learning to play ball. I know that if I had another chance I would work a thousand times harder and I wouldn’t let my team down again.

                If everyone died but me the world would be very depressing for a while but after I got used to being alone world would be my playground. I would move into the biggest coolest house I found and I would find a really nice expensive car to drive anywhere I wanted to go because gas would be free. I would do all sorts of things like go stay in the White House and shoot it up with paintballs, or climb to the top of the Sears Tower and drop bowling balls on cars below.  I would go stand at the top of the Grand Canyon and yell as loud as I could because no one else would be around.  I’d hook my electric guitar up and jam as loud as I could inside the biggest concert halls in America. I’d go to the biggest clubs there are and party all night myself with no alcohol cut off time and pretend to talk to all the “new” people I would meet. I would go to the mall of America and get dressed up in all the best clothes even though no one would see me. I would carve my face into the mountain next to all the presidents. I would steal a pet monkey from the zoo.

Success

Success to me is being able to fight for what is right and best for you and your family’s future. It is being able to hold your head up during the hardest and most challenging of times and pushing forward to become the best person you can be. Getting to success is a never ending path. There are points of success along the way but once you reach one of those points, it doesn’t mean to give up and stay where you are. You can always better yourself. Success to me is being a great example to my son so he can grow up and “continue the legacy” If my son grows up to follow my example and goes to college to make something of himself because he saw me do it, then that in my mind is a great success. Being able to support my son and give him things that he not only needs, but things that he wants as well, is success. Being able to come back from work to a home that I earned and see my son’s smile would be success. The ultimate success to me would be knowing that I did my best to raise my son into the fine young man that he will one day become and seeing him make he right choices and walk the right path without straying too far because he got to grow up seeing me do it and knowing that it can be done if he just believes. What is the meaning of life? Whatever you want it to be.

Polly Want A Cracker?

It’s not uncommon for students to feel as if they just need to mock the lessons of a teacher to pass the class. However, that will not cut it in most of a student’s classes as they get older. It is almost too easy to fall into that trap, or “cage”, as our Unknown Author words it in the “Polly Want A Cracker” essay.

                When a child starts to develop, they learn my repetition. For instance, singing the ABC’s over and over or counting to ten. Even when children are first learning to write, they begin by watching and repeating the pattern that is drawn for them. Sometimes they even just start by tracing the lines on a piece of paper. It is very easy to assume that it is easiest way to begin learning, as a child, is by the process of repetition. The first thing I could compare it to is the “Simon Says” game, or “monkey see, monkey do”, which is often the case with small children, as they find it very easy.  However, it is not the best process of learning to teach because it is so susceptible to becoming a habit. Younger students will find that this process will get them through most of their classes, but as they move up in the ranks of education, repeating what is said, shown, or written, is not enough for a student to get by.

                It can be hard for a student to transition from the process of learning by repetition, to a new process. As students move ahead in their education, they find that they actually have to research topics and do various studies by themselves, thus “teaching themselves”.  I believe this new process can be hard for individuals because they are used to doing the minimum that is required to get by in their classes. I also believe that some of this is due to teachers who don’t encourage their students to do things on their own, but instead they just hand them the exact information that will be on their tests. Students then just memorize the information enough to pass the test and then throw the information out of their memory because they believe they will no longer need it. I believe some of this laziness is caused by lack of motivation.

                How can students be motivated to learn if their teacher is not motivated as well? I remember some of my experiences in grade school with teachers who were not motivating at all. This made me wonder, “If they aren’t motivated to teach me, why should I be motivated to learn from them?” Then there were always the teachers who were exciting and passionate about the subjects that they teach. This made learning very fun and I found myself actually interested in what they were teaching. I was so much more inspired to learn from these teachers that anyone could tell just by looking at my grades. I found that when I was motivated in class, I was more influenced to dig deeper into the subject I was learning and ultimately find out more information that would always put a polishing shine on assigned work.

                In the reading the author states that, “Some classes required me to be a parrot.” This statement I feel is very true, especially with the teachers who aren’t motivational. The teachers, who weren’t motivating at all, were the ones that I found expected their students just to memorize papers that were handed to them. As long as students have the given information memorized for the test, these teachers would give them the passing grade. I find this process of teaching to be very insulting to the more inspirational teachers as well as the students who genuinely have a love for learning and want to go home every day feeling like they have learned something new in every subject.

                After re-reading the “Polly Want A Cracker” essay, I can interpret being “a parrot” in school in a more positive way. “Sprouting [your] first set of feathers” is like the first step of preparing yourself for the future. Becoming a teenager in middle school can be terrifying and many don’t want to show their true bright colors for fear of being rejected or made fun of. Being yourself can be particularly scary in high school, but everyone develops differently, just like a parrot.  People doubt who they really are and hold back. Stress in high school can also add to that to that pressure. Losing the bright feathers can be a metaphor for not being you and not doing the right things to become successful such as “laziness and procrastination” as the author puts in in the essay. Others, however, thrive to succeed and go the extra mile to be successful and soar with their brightly colored wings into adulthood.

                Some students fear their own voice. Afraid to speak up, they are scared to grow their beaks and develop a whistle. They are scared of large classes and are often intimidated by individual attention, making it hard to focus on what they should be paying attention to such as the lecture or notes. Instead they watch the other students develop beautifully and learn to fly and eventually “open the cage”.  I believe this is when most individuals start to realize the mistakes they made and that they let fear of being noticed interfere with their education and their own personal development. They have to start all over and get to know themselves so they can be who they really are for the whole world to see. Eventually, after working through their own self-destructive habits, they will be able to soar with everyone else. Learning to be interdependent can be a good solution to these fears. Classmates can be coaches in our lives and help us through things. Some burdens are more easily carried if you share them with someone reliable that can offer good advice. Whether is a school issue, or home issue, if you just speak up, often times we will run across someone who has been through the exact same things and can help and offer inspiration words.

                No matter how fast or slowly one develops, everyone is going to have their own challenges and obstacles to overcome. You can either give up, let the colors on your feathers fade and retire to your cage, or you can show your beautiful colors and put your best foot forward. I believe that this will help an individual truly get to know themselves. By challenging ourselves every day, we learn more and more about our inner self. If we don’t set goals for ourselves, don’t try, or just don’t care, then we are just going to fall into the pattern of just existing, just going through routine and not getting anywhere in life. Parrots don’t learn to fly unless they actually spread their wings and fly. However, if we are always trying and working hard then we can become part of anything we set our minds to. We can fly anywhere our wings carry us.  Are you someone who doesn’t give up? Do you learn from mistakes or failed attempts? Or do you let it bring you down instead of building from it and trying again? No matter how hard we try, just believing in yourself, giving yourself that extra push and being confident that you can do anything as long as you try and try again, is what makes us emotionally strong as individuals.

                “If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.” This saying is a great example of the mindset that we should have. If you don’t like how your life is, then do something different. Find what makes a difference and work at it. Become the best person you can be and never settle for less. Don’t settle for living your life in a cage and never learning to fly. Instead, learn about you by challenging yourself every day in different ways.  If you become too comfortable in one area, move on to the next until you get comfortable with that. In my experiences as a performer, someone once told me “If you get to the point when you aren’t nervous before you get on stage, then you need to move onto something else that challenges you.” So find ways that you can constantly grow as an individual. Education never has to stop in one’s life unless they choose to stop learning. Always keep your mind open, learn something new every day and don’t let anyone or anything get in your way of flying high and becoming the most successful person you can be.

Pigeon Impossible...Bagel POV

Bagel

I have just begun my short life. Baked fresh this morning I was already out the door in an agents hand soon to be in his digested breakfast, or so I thought. As we are crossing the street he seems to be a little clumsy crossing traffic and almost running into a tree. I start to wonder what my fate will truly be. I just wanted to follow in the footsteps of all other bagels. I notice him and another agent hand off a silver suitcase. The agent sits on the bench and takes a bite out of me as a bird looks over as if to ask for a piece of me. The agent breaks off a crumb and gives it to the bird but the bird wants more so he starts attacking him and I get dropped on the dirty ground and the bird accidentally trapped his self in the agent’s suitcase. Next thing I see, the bird has the suitcase hopping around and shooting at people and all of a sudden the case starts flying around blasting cars! The agent grabs me up to coax the bird into stop running crazy with the case and tries to get him to get out of it. Finally the bird notices me being waved high above the agents head. The agent holds me over a fire and it starts to get hot as he threatens the bird with my incineration. He goes to lay me on the ground and I feel a little better but then he throws me so high in the air and I’m spinning every direction and I come crashing down on the big red button in the case that sets off a missile! Now I’m trapped in a dark case and the agent is flying it and I’m terrified because I have no idea what is going on outside. I can hear the clicking of an empty gun and then all of a sudden the case pops open and everything is so bright and I look down to see that I am thousands of feet off the ground and I’m plummeting back to Earth while being chased by that darn bird. I hit the ground so hard and the bird starts pecking away at me again. I see the agent make it safely back to the ground and take off down the sidewalk. I hear a sharp whistling and quickly look up to see the missile coming right towards the bird and I and…

Guitar Strummin'

 I started learning to play the guitar when I was about seven. My Great-Grandpa taught me my first chords and I would strum along with him to a lot of Christian songs that he played at church every Sunday. Ever since then, the guitar has been one of my favorite pass times. I find that it is a great stress reliever for me. When I have a bad day I can just go to my room and play for hours and hours until my fingers are sore, then I am always in a great mood. When I was 14 I was in my first band. It was a Christian rock band that my youth group put together and we played every Wednesday. We only got to play two other shows outside of youth group. One was after a football game at a different churches “lock-in” and the other was at a concert that our community and the neighboring communities put together with all the youth group bands in the area. When I got into high school, my path strayed from the church and my best friend and I put together a rock band called The Moniteau Outlaws. We were together for a year or so and we got to play at the county fair and open up for some bigger bands.

In high school we had pep band and we played at all the sports games. Some of the music required a guitar part so my band director requested that I learn it and play that part for the shows. It was really fun because not only did we get to play at all the games, but once a year we got to go play at a Mizzou home game. Now I am currently playing every Monday at Martha’s club downtown with an excellent vocalist, Courtney.

I have never...

An experience that I have never had is being able to go to Italy. I have always wanted to go to Italy to see the rich history. I am particularly interested in going to Rome to see some of the earliest recorded history on the earth. I think it is just so beautiful there and I think it would be really impacting. I hope to one day take my significant other there because I personally think it would be very romantic. Another reason I want to go there is because I am a big fan of Jersey Shore, and the things that the cast got to do there just looked and seemed amazing. I would like to take a tour of all the historical spots and see all the historical art. I have always wanted to learn Italian just so when I go there I can feel like everyone from there. I think that their culture is very rich and interesting. Plus I love Italian food too. It is one of my favorite cultural foods to eat, especially pizza. Also I think it would be very rewarding and memorable to tour the historical places of Greece because the Roman and Greek empire almost go hand in hand and I find that part of history to be the most interesting to me. If I could visit those places before I die I would feel like I had one of my biggest dreams come true. Ever since I was a child and heard the mythological stories of the gods and goddesses, I have always wanted to see this place for myself. Those stories were always the imagination of my mind. While most kids where playing house growing up, I was pretending to rule empires.

Characteristics/Traits

Jim started off young  when he first started getting into trouble.  He often found himself frustrated with his self because he felt as if no one was there for him. After all he did lose his parents as a baby. He figured that if he caused trouble he would get attention from somebody. All he really ever wanted to experience, seemed impossible. He takes his hat off his shaggy brown hair and scratches his head. He has been confused most of his life about how to go about bettering bad situations. He became a very social guy in high school and never got embarrassed when people asked questions about his distraught life. His long skinny body showed signs of hunger, as he always had to fend for himself. Anxiously he waits for someone to come along and show him that he deserves to have the family he always dreamed of. Now he is an old, bald man with many years of wisdom in his eyes and a scruffy grey beard to match. He shuffled over and concentrated on the picture of his wife and kids and grandchildren. You could tell he had grown from being a lost young boy to a grown man. He fell in love with the perfect woman and became leader of the family he once dreamed of just being included in. The well put together old man peered over his glasses with tired eyes at his perfect family and drifted off into sleep while listening to the slams of the screen door from the grandkids running in and out. He felt perfect right there.

Gay Marriage

I believe same-sex marriage should be legalized in all states because everyone has the right to marry who they want. Gay marriage has no effect on all these fanatics against gay marriage. Most people that are against gay marriage are only against it because of their religion. Gay marriage isn’t going to ruin the marriage of two straight people. Marriage is a religious ceremony as is and I don’t think that the government has any sort of right to interfere with that. Since the government allows us the right to practice freedom of religion, does that mean gay men and woman would have to start their own church in order to practice marriage?  The gay men and women in our armed forces can’t even have their partners come with them if they get stationed in or near a military base because they can’t get married. I don’t think that it’s very fair that gay men and women can die to protect the freedoms and rights of the citizens but don’t even have to right to get married.

 The government is trying to define marriage for what reason? The definition of marriage isn’t going to help the issue of gay marriage. I don’t think the government should have the right to even put a definition to the word or act of “marriage”. I feel like that should be life between the two people who want to get “married”. No should need the approval of government to spend their lives with the person they love. That is just an interference into our private lives. No one should be allowed to stop gay men and women from marrying who they wish because I believe that is a private and personal matter and everyone has their right to privacy.

People against gay marriage argue about divorce rates and how allowing gay marriage would only increase it, but since gay marriage is only allowed in several states, obviously a huge majority of the divorces are between two straight people. I don’t see why divorce rate is even an issue when talking about gay marriage because the right for gays to marry is a fairly new topic in today’s political world so divorces between gays are very few and far between right now because only a few states allow them to marry.

If gay marriage was legal it could do a lot of good for society. Since gay couples cannot have children, there will be more adoptions, offering stable environments to needy children with no families.  Children would also grow up learning that love is love no matter what and develop good values for society and family life.  Denying anyone the right to marry is discriminatory and this issue needs to be resolved by simply allowing people to live their private love lives how they prefer.

Frank

Frank is and androgynous creature.  It is a caring parent as it keeps its young in its lower pouch. It is a mix between a monkey and a cat but looks somewhat like a legless yeti. They get around by hopping with their lower torso and can be found living in trees, as it is easier for them to climb and swing with their long arms. These creatures normally dwell in the jungle areas of South America but occasionally are discovered other places as the result of humans capturing them as pets and finding that they are extremely hard to domesticate, unless you live in a tree. They favorite foods are berries and fruits that they gather and they get their main source of protein from eating insects they find crawling in their living areas. They usually always travel in groups, if they travel. Normally the family stays in one general area for most of their lives except in instances where they have run out their resources for the season and must find a new living area to forage in. The pack of these androgynous creatures usually have a “leader” that is the oldest to give wisdom to others and another “leader” who is the strongest to help protect the family and/or lead them in a battle to protect themselves.

Fear

FEAR

I am scared of falling out of love. Not falling in love however, that feeling is amazing. Falling out of love terrifies me because I know that the person I am with now is the one that I want to be with for the rest of my life. She is absolutely amazing and I am going to propose to her on our anniversary but what sucks about it is that it falls on Valentine’s Day. I would like to celebrate them separately but oh well. Fear. Wow I’m so scared to propose to her. I know she will say yes. I know that for sure in my heart and soul. But how do I do it? Where do I take her? And what do I say? I don’t want to do the whole boring routine “will you be my wife” or “will you marry me” or blah blah blah. I want it to be insanely special and a night that she will remember for the rest of her life. I want to take her to a spot that she weill want to come back to every year and remember that special night. Eventually I want to be able to take our kids there and tell them the story and their kids and so on. Yep. Shes the one. I cant think of anyone else id rather spend the rest of my life with. Now we just have to wait for gay marriages to be recognized in Missouri. Stupid crap right there. I don’t know what people are so scared of? Okay fear…im scared of spiders….yuck. and im terrified of dying. I don’t think itd the death part that scares me, but how its gonna happen. Will it be fast or slow? Painful? Will I know that im dying? Im also scared that ill miss out on something amazing. Ive always been the one tht never wants to miss out on anything in in life although sometimes I put myself in that position by making bad mistakes. But m getting better and better at making good decisions every day. And Ashley has a lot to do with that. If you look back at me over a year ago before I met her…wow. I w, I was so different from who I am now as a high school graduate with no job and nowhere to go because I didn’t care. I would have never even thought that there was better out there for me than my bad habits and my rowdy group of frinds until I met her and I knew my life had a whole different purpose and that she was gonna be the inspiration for it all. And look at me now. Going to college….got a house and im doing great… I was so different from who I am now as a high school graduate with no job and nowhere to go because I didn’t care.  

My Farm House

My farm house was the only place I have loved enough to call a home. I loved driving down that gravel road with the windows down and radio up. You could smell the fresh country air as you started the long winding trek up the gravel driveway. There is the shade tree, perfect for a tire swing I always thought. At the top of the hill, you had to get out and open the cattle gate. The huge year was perfect for playing in. The barns were always a good hiding spot to get away from the siblings. Especially in the hay loft.

You can smell the fresh cut grass. The smell of the cattle, though sometimes overwhelming, always lingered in the air. You could smell the rich mud after it rains and in the basement it smelled of mildew and was infested with spiders but that never stopped us from convincing people to go down there. Summer nights you could sleep with the windows open and wake up to the scent of the morning dew. Mom would sometimes have the house smelling like breakfast. My favorite was waking up to the smell of bacon in the frying pan.

At night the coyotes come up to the back field and whine at the moon. The cows make little noise at night except for the sporadic lost calf. The river runs through the lower field and you can hear it loud on days it was full. The occasional four wheeler drives by, or a tractor putts along the gravel. Sometimes you can even hear the neighbor kids playing down in the low water creek.

The old walls were rough and easily crumbled under pressure. The carpet had years of wear on it. The basement was made of stone and carried somewhat of a dungeon-like atmosphere. Some of the wallpaper was peeling off from us kids running our hands on the walls up and down the stairs. Cold mornings were a shock when my feet would hit the kitchen floor shocking me awake.

Tasting the fresh air on a brand new morning was quite exhilarating on the farm. You could wake up and open the window, climb out onto the roof and just breathe and appreciate the clarity. In the attic the dust was so thick that it was hard to breathe but upon doing so you could taste the grit.

The most beautiful view was right from the front porch. The house was on a huge hill and you could see for miles. The river at the bottom of the hill. The corn fields to the left. The shed and barn to the right. In the spring when the river would flood the fields we would be stuck on the hill because we couldn’t get out, but it looked as if we lived on an island in the ocean and were surrounded by water with only the tops of trees sticking out. The bluff that ran alongside of the house was my favorite part. It stood about 30 ft. high and even had a little cave hidden in it.

So many events took place out there on the farm but the one that sticks out the most is my 16th birthday. You could smell the smoke from the huge bon-fire I was having. I had invited everyone I knew. I was anxious to get the night started and I had butterflies in my belly. People that I didn’t even know came out that night for the party. My mom left so she wasn’t a part of the drinking that was going on and that’s when the party really got started. We had people around the fire, people riding the landlord’s four-wheeler. There was a group in the shed listening to music and a group in the barn, swinging on the rope back and forth between lofts. I was outside on top of the hay bales. I had just met Laci that night. Oh boy was I nervous. We sat on top of the bails and talked and talked and looked at the stars and admired their beauty. We played football on the hay bales jumping the gaps between each one and tackling each other into the crevices. We soon went inside and up to my room. I opened the window and we climbed out and sat on the roof and watched everybody below running around the farm. I still remember looking up at the stars and telling Laci about the constellations I knew, then shyly looked over at her. She was smiling at me and the moon shined in her eyes. I remember my heart skipping beats as we made eye contact. My ears turned red and my face got hot as I had to look away to catch my breath. As far as I was concerned at the time, I had just had the most amazing sweet sixteen

So many events took place out there on the farm but the one that sticks out the most is my 16th birthday. You could smell the smoke from the huge bon-fire I was having all the way down the old gravel road. I had invited everyone I knew from my small town. I was anxious to get the night started and I had butterflies in my belly. People that I didn’t even know came out that night for the party. Cars started coming up the long winding driveway, past the shade-tree that I wanted to put a swing in. At the top of the drive everyone had to get out and open the cattle gate, giving me opportunity to see who it was before they saw me. My mom left so she wasn’t a part of the “activities” that were likely to occur that night. Soon there was dozens of people around the blazing fire. There were kids riding the landlord’s four-wheeler and you could hear the buzz of the muffler coming and going in the field. There was a group in the shed listening to music and a group in the barn, swinging on the rope back and forth between lofts that always made me sneeze from the odor of the stale hay. The smell of the cattle, though sometimes overwhelming, always lingered in the air and every few seconds you could hear them calling out to each other at the bottom of the hill. I was outside breathing in the chilly night air that had just set in. I had just met Laci that night. Oh boy was I nervous. We sat on top of the itchy hay bales and talked and talked and looked at the stars and admired their beauty. The farm was perfect for star-gazing because there were no city lights. We played football on the bales, jumping the gaps between each one and tackling each other into the crevices. We had to stop often to pick hay out of our clothes or hair, making quite the humorous sight. We soon went inside and up to my room. The ugly scent of cigarettes clung to my walls, but I was used to it. I opened the stiff window and we climbed out and sat on the roof and watched everybody below running around the farm. I still remember looking up at the stars and telling Laci about the constellations I knew, then shyly looked over at her. She was smiling at me and the moon shined in her eyes. I remember my heart skipping beats as we made eye contact. My ears turned red and my face got hot as I had to look away to catch my breath. As far as I was concerned at the time, I had just had the most amazing sweet sixteen

The most important...

The most important possession I have on me right now is my cell phone. This is very important to me because I can access my emails for school and keep up with my assignments. I can also get on my Facebook and talk to all of my family and friends. What I like most about my cell phone is that I can download all the music that I need to learn for my performances. I can also download tablature for my guitar if I need to learn a new song.  I constantly have my headphones on listening to music because it makes the day go by smoother and motivates me and keeps a smile on my face.

What I like to do the most on my phone is text my girlfriend and make sure her days are going well until I can get home to see her. I make sure that she is okay and I know that if anything goes wrong and she is to need me I can be home in five minutes to help her with whatever the problem may be.

Another great thing about my phone is I have an application where I can write and save all my files under password protection and it is all backed up to the internet. I use this application to write lyrics down as I come up with them throughout the day, then at the end of the week, or whenever I can find time, I go back into my files and I put my lyrics together according to style, genre and what the lyrics are about. Most the time my lyrics are about everyday life, the ups and downs and how amazing it is to have someone that truly loves me, by my side. I would have to say that music is one of the greatest joys in my life.

Ashley Clayton. Ashley is an amazingly strong young woman who has fought and is still fighting her way through many adversities, yet she still has the strength to carry other people through their hard times.  Even though she goes to school every day, she still comes home and takes care of her two younger sisters, cooking their dinners and helping them with homework, even giving her baby sister a bath and tucking her into bed before she even worries about herself and the work she has to do for the next day at school. Amazingly, she always pulls through and gets it done and is an amazing student. In the mornings she even has to get her siblings ready for school and see to it that they get there safely. Even through all these responsibilities she still makes time to come see me and support me with the many things that I do. I can honestly say if it wasn’t for her telling me that I could make it to college and through college, I wouldn’t be sitting here in this class writing about her. She even makes time to come to my shows and smile at me from off stage, helping take the stage fright away. She tells me every day how proud of me she is and that she knows I can continue doing better and better. She is a truly motivational and inspirational woman.

tell the truth as if it were a lie

It was a beautiful day in New Orleans. I was shopping at the River Walk Mall and had just walked out the doors when I heard all sorts of sirens sounding and people running like Godzilla was coming! I started to freak out at first, I’ll admit, but shortly after the New Orleans Fire Department showed up I heard someone yell “Quiet on the set!” Then Denzel Washington walks out of the crowd. You could almost hear the whole crowds breaths being taken away. I could immediately tell it was him because I’m the biggest Denzel fan that there is. I made my way into the crowd and got real close to the river where I could see him real good. I pulled out my camera and tried to take a bunch of pictures of him, but in every one of the pictures you can only see the back of his head. Anyway, turns out that that’s when he was making the movie Déjà vu! It’s like the best movie ever. If you watch it and pause it just right in the scene where everyone is looking at the riverboat, you can see the left side of my face as I watch the scene being shot over and over again. Then as if that wasn’t crazy enough, later that night I was eating at the Hard Rock Café and I drank too much strawberry lemonade, so I politely excused myself and I was walking down the hall to the bathroom looking at the memorabilia when who comes out of the men’s room? Denzel Washington!

slang assignment

                One day two BroBro’s decided they wanted to do something crazy. Jayce and Adien grew up together on the same street. Jayce always made people laugh with his goofy personality, but he always knew the right times to be serious. He was very cautious about things he did and he often spent much time analyzing decisions. Adien, on the other hand, could trip over nothing and he never thought about things before he did them. Many times Jayce found that he needed to be a leader and help Adien out of the messes that he seemed to cause.  “Aye Dude, we should go ballin down at the courts,” said Jayce. “For sure, that sounds awesome. Lets go wild,” replied Adien as he tore out the door, forgetting the last step at the end of the porch. As the BroBros were stuntn down to the courts Jayce told Adien about how his Mum called him “honey love”  in front of his girlfirend. “Ur kidding?!  That’s wack,”said Adien. “S’kay, she just gets crazy weird sometimes,”responded Jayce. “Mmmm, cool story bro. Haha Jk,” mouthed Adien.  As they reached the courts they saw some kids bear grills and showing off on the courts. “They look kind of good huh?” said Adien. “They look aight,” altered Jayce. They looked over at them and simultaneously asked them “What’s poppin?” “What the crap?!” Adien said as he noticed he stepped in dog crap. Jayce piped up, “That’s nap town!  Lets get outta this place and clean you up before you get into anything else.” “Whatever man.  Thankies for that idea,” Adien said as they walked off leaving a scent trail behind them.

The New Hope Baptist Church is a place that I often think about. I went to church there a few times as a child but the most memorable experience I had there is the bittersweet recollection of laying my Great-Grandfather to rest in the church cemetery. The church itself is isolated out in the hills on a very old winding road that runs next to the Missouri River. It was February 20^th, 2010 and the air was a bit chilly but the sun still shone brightly on the small cemetery that solemn day. As I stood under the tree that my Grandfather would be laid next to, I looked out into the fields below and saw vast waves of green shimmering back and forth with the breeze. With every breath I could almost taste the crisp coolness in my mouth. At the time I had wondered how I was going to make it through the day.

            Normally a day like this wouldn’t seem so beautiful considering the circumstances, but God must have been incredibly happy to have such a strong soul back in Heaven with Him because he blessed my Grandfathers home-going with a gorgeous day. The birds sang loudly as everyone else stood in what seemed to be hours of silence except for the occasional stifled cough or sniffle. I could smell my Great-Grandmother’s perfume as she stood in front of us as still as a statue. Though she was trying her hardest to stay strong you could see the distraught look she carried in her eyes. I remember thinking to myself that the pain in her eyes must be what the fear of being alone forever looks like.

My stomach felt incredibly deep as my cousins carried the casket down to the solemn, chilling grave. Flashes of memories, like images frozen in time, played through my mind at a thousand miles a minute. I wanted to smile and frown, laugh and sob, all at the same time. Although my emotions were as twisted up as a ball of yarn, one thing was clear in my mind, and that was the fact that I would never get to hear my Grandpa’s jokes again, or see his warm smile. Most of all I would miss hearing his voice on Christmas Eve reading the story of the birth of Jesus out of The Bible. Although those thoughts absolutely crushed my spirit, the idea of my Grandpa being laid to rest next to our past family, slightly eased my mind.

My attention had been on the Marines that were ceremoniously folding the American flag that had been resting on top of my Grandfather’s casket. Their decorated uniforms reminded me of how proud my Grandpa was when he was showing his off with a smile. The image of him in his uniform faded as they handed the folded flag to my Grandmother. My heart dropped and pounded hard in my stomach as I felt short of breath. The flag seemed to be the only thing that Grandma would have left to hold on to and the thought of her feeling sad really broke my heart.

When I heard the first of the gunshots saluting my Grandfather, my stomach dropped, much like going over a hill too fast. The sound of each shot pierced through the air, like a needle through silk, and I knew instantly that I would never forget those sharp, ringing seconds. Almost instantly, my pained ears were soothed by the soft melody of “Taps” floating through the crisp air. The bugle sounded so distant, yet so perfect that it almost seemed as if the song was being played from the heavens, sounding right through the clouds angelically. Remembering how I sang “Taps” at the end of each day at Girl Scout camp only reminded me that this was the end and there was nothing that anyone could do to change it. A painful lump rose up into my throat and got stuck, making it hard to swallow.

 My eyes started to blur as I fought to hold back the tears that should have already been cried. A shiver went up and back down my spine as the finale note of “taps” rang out and echoed across the field. As I blinked, tears fell from both my eyes, at first warming my face, but then leaving a cold trail behind where they had been. I had lowered my head so that no one saw me cry. All I had wanted was to keep the tears from coming in front of everyone else. I felt a hand on my shoulder and took a deep breath of the cool air. My eyes had been shut for so long that when I opened them it took a few seconds for them to adjust to the light again. I looked up to see my Aunt beside me. Together we looked down at the rough ground where my Grandfather’s tombstone would soon rest. We didn’t talk. We didn’t even look at each other. I think she was just as scared of crying as I was.

She stood there with me until I started to shiver and by the time I turned around to walk up the hill, most of the family had already made their way to the top. I walked slowly, feeling every rock under my stiff feet along the path back to the old faded church. Strange, how I could feel life all around me after just laying one to rest. It just didn’t seem right or fair at the time. Only later would I realize how beautifully ironic it really was.

At the top of the hill I stopped and turned around and took a deep breath. I wanted to soak it all in. I looked over that whole hillside slowly. I could see the tree line where the woods ended and the field began. The one tree in the cemetery stood toweringly tall and seemed to be proud to shade the resting souls underneath its long branches. The birds sang and danced in the clear blue sky to their own melodies as a gentle breeze rocked plant life back and forth simultaneously. I took one last deep breath, more of a sigh, and smelled the cool fresh country air once again. As I turned around the corners of my mouth drew up into the slightest grin and let tears roll out of the corners of my eyes.

That day marked the end of a long painful journey. It had been hard on the whole family for years, always worrying about Grandpa’s health problems and seeing him suffer through such pain.  I had never felt quite so empty yet so happy and relieved at the same time. It was like two completely opposite emotions intertwining in my heart and my body didn’t quite know which one to express.

 As we pulled away, I had my head against the window looking out towards the cemetery. The image of that little paint-chipped church on the hill, with its’ one tree reaching towards the sky, would forever be seared into my memory like hot brand. Though this place carries both good and painful memories, many hellos and few goodbyes, it will forever remain as one of my most peaceful and favorite places I have ever experienced thus far.