Being true to oneself is a hard enough task, especially when it is being thrown on top of being true to everyone else. When is it too much? Sometimes I find it hard to be true at all because I get burned. When you let someone see your true self, its like exposing yourself naked, sometimes you get scorched by the sun, sometimes people will laugh at you, and then there are always the ones that can accept you and love you for who you truly are. I have been blessed with such amazing friends in my life, that even when I cannot find the truth in myself, they can easily pull it right out of me and get me back on track. It seems my life lately has been a whirlpool of emotions. I have fallen in and out of love, gained and lost friends, both given and received and much much more. Some old thoughts and emotions have stuck with me in the midst of the new ones. They linger in my heart and in my thoughts, taunting me with images and broken promises of the past. Deciphering between them all is emotionally exhausting and is taking a toll on my soul. I feel tugged one way and pulled another knowing that I should leave the past where it lies. But who can resist the urge to poke something that's been long dead with a stick? I have caught myself relishing in the past, poking at long lost loves and cold corpse relationships just to see if they really are as stiff as I remember leaving them.
How long can I hide this curiosity? I never knew I could be this weak. I never knew I could be this strong...it seems as if with each ounce of strength comes two ounces of weakness just to test me...
I know I am strong. I am by no means Superman, but I look back on the person I used to be and compare it to who I am now and I see two completely different people. Instead of hiding in the shadows of others, I am now able to stand front and center and take on life for myself. It is a challenge, but what would life be if there were no hills to climb, no sense of fulfillment to receive?
I'm about to start my second semester in college in a few weeks. Even through all the stresses of getting re-enrolled and piles of paperwork, I find myself anxiously awaiting the climb up this particular hill. Finally after a summer of boredom, I will have a challenge once again awaiting me. It is a breath of fresh air to me. A clean slate that I can draw anything on. I cannot wait to see what beauty awaits me on the other side of this mountain.
Monday, July 23, 2012
As the summer passes by, I realize more and more about myself as I truely start to develop into the person I am going to be the rest of my life. The world is full of disapointments with even fewer moments of happy surprise. I have quickly learned that I make my own luck. Only I have the power to let myself down but what is satisfaction anyway? The void in my life, I have found, can only be filled with a sense of freedom and optimism. Is extremely hard to narrow myself down to a specific path as I am terrified of being held down. Maybe thats why I am a runner. I don't run when things get hard because I am a fighter, but I flee when things become too easy and comfortable. Is this common? Or am I the only one who would feel more fulfilled if I dont stop turning my wheels? So here I sit...thinking about my options...it's a good thing I still wonder about this place and these people. Where would I run to next if I had it all figured out here? Maybe I'll always live searcing for new things...new inspirations and aspirations...I'll never have all the answers...but I will never feel comfortable with what I already know. I have to keep going... Here I am...for now.