Saturday, November 24, 2012

One night, back in time. Back when everything felt flawless...
I could see her smile from across the parking lot. Mine looked weary, I'm sure, but I made my way closer and closer to the woman I used to love. She acted as if we had never parted. Welcoming me into her arms like I had never been without them. Her skin still soft and smelled just as I so flawlessly remembered. Her arms lingered around my body as we entered the house, like I still belonged to her and she wanted the world to know. Her fingers traced the skin down my arm, then intertwined themselves with mine. I held them there, perhaps I was scared that she could let go before I could engrave that memory into my heart. As we sat next  to each other, she leaned in close to me as I felt her relax into my side, her hand on my thigh. She was all her, just as lovely and lively as before, but you could tell there was a change about her. She laughed with everyone else, as I sat there silently taking her in. She never held on so close before. It was a mix of affection and fear keeping her hands on me. I could feel it.
Head on my shoulder, she asked to go smoke with me. With her I already know that is code for "Lets go talk." She sat on the stoop, scooting into me for warmth. I wrapped my coat around her and put my head on hers, tucked her hand into mine and breathed out the biggest sigh of relief. She turned her eyes to mine and said something that would break my heart, more so than when she had left me.
"She hit me. She would choke me and shove me and throw shit at me. One time I didn't make her food right and she started throwing things at me. I couldn't go do anything or she would get mad."
"Why? I mean, how could you stay with someone like that for so long? I wouldn't- You know I would never have done that to you!"
She lowered her gaze to the sidewalk. "I know."
We sat in a few seconds of silence before I knew what to say.
"When we were together, I told you that I didn't want you around her. I didn't say that because I thought you would leave me for her. I said it because I knew she was a bad person and could get you into bad things. If I had known it would have gone like this, I would have fought harder to keep you with me, but I thought if you were happy, then I'm not going to take that away from you. I always cared, I always wanted you to be happy."
"I know you did."
Our hands gripped each other tighter and our bodies moved in closer. Again she turned to face me. I could see a softness set into her eyes as they met mine. Then she said what my heart had been begging to hear the whole time.
"Do you miss us?"
"Always have."
"Me too."
More silence.
"Its always been you, ya know."
She chuckled. "Yeah, I know."
She finished her cigarette and wrapped my coat around her shoulder, bringing her in closer to me. I could feel her take a deep breath as she prepared to take mine away.
"Do you want to start over?"
I smiled as my heart did skips and leaps inside of my chest. Butterflies flapped their wings inside my stomach and I forgot to take a breath until I felt her turn to look at me.
"That is all I have ever wanted."
She leaned down and kissed where our fingers weaved one other. Is this real? There's only one way to check. I tilted her chin upwards towards mine. Our eyes met and for a second I forgot where I was as our noses crept past each other and our lips met. Her lips tasted like every perfect memory I ever wanted to make, just like they always had. Yep. It was her and this was real.
As we fell asleep that night, she held both my hands as if it was our last few hours together on earth. I knew I was going to have to fix a lot of damage that I didn't cause. I was going to have to love her more tenderly than I have ever attempted to love before. She was fragile, but I knew that with time and patience that I could show her what love should be like.
So here I am, this woman on my mind and a smile upon my face. I pray I can prove to her that there is more out there than pain. Will I succeed? I can't tell you that yet, but we have to leave the rest of it for love to decide. Whichever paths fate may take us, my wish for her will always be the same. That she truly be happy with someone who loves and cherishes her in every way she should. However, I don't think it's selfish for me to wish that the person be me. Haha